2013, the year of change.

Time for another blog, or self therapy session. we will decide after it is done whether it is fit for any eyes, save mine.

2013 is upon us. With it come some huge changes. Lera is 18. She is a young adult now and must be trusted with more adult responsibility to go along with the additional freedoms she may now enjoy as a young adult. The world is a hard place, and I have no doubt that before long. she may wish she was 13 again when times were simpler. I think however that we have raised her well and that she is ready to face whatever challenges await her. She is involved in her first truly serious relationship. The young mans name is Anthony Wentworth. He is a fine young man, who treats my daughter, myself , my home and my family with respect and consideration and he showers loving devotion on Lera. He is everything I could hope for in a boyfriend for my daughter. Hell, if I swung that way, I'd steal him from her! LOL, just kidding of course.. Fact is, I really like him and I really hope they last. I'd truly hate to have to string him up by his thumbs...

Victor will be 16 Next month on the 25th. Time to teach him to drive... Oh joy, winter driving, in my car, with no heat. We will have a blast. He is also in an on-again, off again relationship. I hope 2013 is the year he finds his direction and sets his course. I so want to help him succeed.

Karina is now 13, that rounds out my teen tri-fecta!  "Being a parent of teens is like trying to nail jello to a wall" I read that on a Facebook post earlier this year and I beg to differ. Nailing jello to a tree would be child's play compared to raising teens!

Matthew is 8 and becoming more and more vociferous as time goes on. Whatever they are doing with him up in the West Gennesee School in Camillus, it seems to be working as he is becoming more independent.

Now, for the 3 Monumental Changes of 2013.

1. I fully expect that our divorce will be final. In 7 months, we will have been married for 20 years. I never expected to get a divorce, but people change and time marches on. I am happy that Krissy and I are amicable in our mediation and hope that one day we can look back on this time, and past years and only remember the good times.

2. There has been an offer on the house and I fully expect the bank will take it. It is a short sale offer which is just over HALF of what we mortgaged only 6 years ago. I only wish that I could have made an offer but my credit is not good enough yet. I am working with a credit repair service but it takes time, I only hope and pray that timing works in our favor so that we can find a new home before we are forced to leave this one. I do not look forward to homelessness.

3. Our blessing. Cathy and I are expecting a baby boy. he is due on June 4th but we both feel he will be a May baby. We have narrowed the list of names but feel that it would be "bad luck" to name him before he is born sagely into the world. We are not sharing the choices we have made because, even though we love our family and friends very much, we do not want to invite opinions. I thank you all in advance for your understanding and respect of our wishes in this.

So 2013, you will either make me or break me. We shall see. I offer up a prayer in closing. Lord, my faith is at an all time low, yet i find myself still believing in you enough to talk to you. I commend this family and myself into your care and protection. I pray that you will bless us with shelter and keep us together. I pray also for my children, each of whom I would die for in an instant. Comfort them and strengthen them for the trying days ahead. Thank you for the blessings you have bestowed and thank you for the Love of this family, without which, I would not be here. Amen

Well, this looks like a keeper. We will see what you all think of it tomorrow.

Be blessed. 

Once more unto the breach dear friends..

It has been over 2 months since I last blogged and so much has happened that I scarcely know where to begin. I don't even know if this will be a therapeutic blog or a publishable blog. I suppose I will find out when it's done.

My blog is titled "I'm 45 and don't know what I want to be when I grow up." Well, I may not know what I want to be, but I know what I will be, A father, again! Cathy is expecting our baby, due on the 4th of June.
I don't mind admitting that I am scared to death. I will be 64 when this child graduates high school. No spring chicken that's for sure, but hopefully spry enough to get the job done.

I am worried about my three kids, who I love more than life itself. They are growing up, hell, Lera is a grown young woman who just started a job at Hollister and Co. in Shoppingtown Mall, She will be 18 on January 16th. An adult in the eyes of the government...but still my baby girl, always my baby girl. Victor will be 16 on February 25th. Gonna have to start his driving lessons. And Karina, my little monkey butt, she will be 13 on December 7th. I worry that they will see the baby as a threat to my attention. That I would forget them in the light of the newborn. Baby's need a lot of attention. There is no arguing the point, but my kids are my kids. I make no distinction between blood or adoption. My babies are my chosen treasures. All of them, born of my body or not. I make this promise to them and myself. I will do my best to not neglect anyone. At times, I will fail. I pray that during those times, you can forgive me. I want this new family dynamic, the one with Me, Cathy and 5 kids (yikes) to come together into a loving family unit.

A few weeks ago, I had to make a decision to put our springer spaniel Andy down. He attacked a child necessitating 47 stitches to repair her face. There was really no other decision to make. I could never let him hurt anyone again, as much as I loved him. I did love the dog, but there is no way for an animal to earn back trust. Once a dog has bitten, they will bite again. It is almost assured.With a baby on the way, I could not risk keeping him. The kids took it very, very hard. and even missed several days of school, they still miss him terribly, especially Victor. I blame myself because he was my responsibility to train. I told the kids that he was theirs but the true responsibility for him was never anyone's but mine.

Divorce Mediation has begun. So far Krissy and I have met twice and things are going smoothly. Neither of us wants to fight and we are both trying to be generous with each other when it comes to property, visitation etc. We can still talk and still find ourselves on the same page with regard to the kids which is super helpful. We should only have 2 more meetings to go with the mediator before the actual papers get signed for the judge.

About Krissy, I have mentioned before to many but will put it out to my readers here. I have never asked you to choose. If you were only her friend for my sake, that is one thing, but if you considered her a personal friend before all this, and stopped talking to her because of what happened, then I encourage you to look her up. I may never fully understand or fully accept what happened, but that is between her and I. What happened, happened. We both have moved on in all but the final way, the paperwork. I hope that the new normal is a happy thing for all concerned.

There are buyers interested in the house. The real estate agent tells me that we will have at least 4 months to get ready to be out of here while the bank closes the short sale. I hope it's enough time for my credit repair people to boost my score enough to get a mortgage.  Prayers and positive thoughts gladly accepted.

With that, I think I will close, and what the hell, I will publish it. The worst thing that can happen is my friends will think I am nuts....oh wait, if they ARE my friends, they know this already.....

Blessed be...

Dear God, (My open prayer)

Dear God,

I have tried to walk with you since I was a small child. I first learned about you in Sunday school, a place our parents brought my brothers and I on Sunday mornings for a two-fold reason. Primarily because they were both raised Methodist and believed that our spiritual education was important, but the secondary reason, I am reasonably sure, was so that they could have a few hours to themselves on Sunday mornings, free from 3 young boys. Our pastor’s were good men, by and large, but none seemed to stay very long. I remember Reverend Daniel, who left after his son Billy drowned m then came Reverend Goodwin who was there when I was confirmed, but was unceremoniously asked to leave when unfounded allegations of child abuse against his own son were raised. Then Dr. Arnold Miller, Floyd, “Skip” George, then one other and now a Reverend George Mangan is in charge there. That’s 6 pastors in a 30 year period. Not exactly the picture of stability. What did Methodism teach me about you? The Good; You are real. You Exist. You sent your son to atone for our sins. You live in Heaven and look over us but you’re God and we’re not so don’t ask too many questions. The Bad; religious, self righteous people suck. There are people who believe that they can act any way they want to during the week and come to church on Sunday to get their absolution, or sin eraser if you will,  and depart the building clean and ready for another week of whatever. But still I believed in you.

I got married in that Methodist Church on September 18^th 1993, I would say that my 19^th anniversary is less than 2 weeks away if my estranged spouse had not left over a year ago without warning. She ripped the heart from me and took my desire for any future at all away with her when she left. I had 3 reasons to live, their names are Valeria (Lera), Victor, and Karina. They are the reasons that I still breathe. I love my family and friends, but please understand the depths of my despair when I tell you that  without my children, the other people in my life would not have been enough to keep me here at that time.  But still, as angry as I was with you, I believed in you.

I continued my ministry as a worship leader with the Eastside Vineyard Church, more from a sense of duty , then from a need or desire to worship you. My song choices often reflected my deep pain and need for you in my life. My theme became “Praise you in the storm” by Casting Crowns. It still is.  I thought if I continued to get through life, a day at a time and try to keep walking with you, that your direction would come and your blessings would flow to reward one who continuously brought people to your altar. I recently made a choice that was incompatible with continued leadership at ESV and I resigned my post in favor of doing something to make myself happy. That decision was to bring My girlfriend Cathy and her son Matthew into my home to live with us. I was told that it was “not right” with God(You) or the State that I, a still married man, should bring another woman into my home before I was divorced and even before we get married. Scripture was quoted which I will not repeat to you God because well, you know all about it. Of course, Bigamy and Concubines have been accepted practices of your people for thousands of years per that same book of scripture so forgive me if I fail to see my great crime.  Even after being forced to sacrifice a ministry I loved, I still believed in you.

The Music I used to love playing is now a painful reminder of the hypocrisy of those I placed my trust in. So the respite I found in worship is now stripped from me as well. And still, even now,  I believe in you.

BUT, You need to understand something now. I have reached the end. I am going to keep the lines of communication open and will listen for your guidance wherever I can, but, I will order my steps now the way that I see fit. I will forge my own paths based on what I believe is right and best for me and my family. You can Bless me or Curse me as you see fit, You are GOD after all and can do as you like. You did both to Job after all , a blameless man who did no wrong . I still believe in you and as per John 3:16, that’s enough for eternal life. If you want the son back who burned for you, who cried out in song and prayer, who brought people to their knees in worship for you, then you will have to show me that you Love me. Seeing it in a book is not enough. Scripture says “Do not put the Lord thy God to the test” Well, better men than me have done just that, and you answered. I only ask for the same

I believe in God the Father Almighty, Maker of heaven and earth and in Jesus Christ his only Son our Lord; who was conceived by the Holy Ghost, born of the Virgin Mary, suffered under Pontius Pilate, was crucified, dead, and buried; he descended into hell; the third day he rose again from the dead; he ascended into heaven, and sitteth on the right hand of God the Father Almighty; from thence he shall come to judge the quick and the dead.

Be blessed my friends,

Gary

Perhaps a little too therapeutic...

You may have been wondering, "Where have Gary's blogs been lately?" then again, since I am relatively new to the blogosphere, perhaps you have not. Well, to answer your question, I have created or started to create many blogs lately, but I find that all of my recent attempts sound like they are confessions from a psychiatrist's couch!

I have been through a great in the last 12 months or so, and I expect that the next 12 will bring many more life altering changes. More good than bad this year though! Hopefully MANY more good then bad. I hope to be divorced and out of the house I purchased with my soon-to-be ex. I hope to be in a new home and moving on with life in positive ways. Raising my children, learning from past mistakes so as not to repeat them in future, looking forward and learning not to look back, these are my plans.Specifics? I have damn few right now. I have a lot to look forward to. I just wish I could grieve the past and move on. I am not equipped for it. I was taught to bear grudges from an early age. I do not forgive easily, yet I know in my mind I have to. My heart needs more convincing.

There are great things on the horizon, but one must sail through the dark night and storms to see the sunrise.

May the road rise up to meet you.
May the wind always be at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
and rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of His hand. 


Be Blessed.

Zombie Apocalypse....

So, Hollywood and the video game industry have made zombies the ultra-cool monster of the day. On one hand this is a good thing because it takes attention away from the egregious error they made by taking one of the greatest, most time-honored evil creature, the vampire, and turned him into a brooding, emo teen that won't kill and in fact, sparkles in the sunlight.What the hell were they thinking in THAT one?  On the other hand, filling the entertainment world with zombie lore seems to have had an unexpected side effect. Actual "Zombie" attacks!  I fully realize that the incidents in question have been largely attached to extreme drug use, most recently with a new drug euphemistically called "bath salts" , sometimes mixed with other drugs like meth or alcohol, but I submit to you that there is damn little difference between an actual zombie eating your face, and a crazed drug addict eating your face, when it comes right down to it.

The world is fast becoming a very strange place. The street drugs are getting stronger and weirder, and if you watch your zombie flicks, all of the epidemics start out with a few isolated incidents, which receive a lot of coverage to quickly explain the cause so that the Armageddon mongers don't start announcing the end of the world on the street corners. I don't know if there is a real Zombie Apocalypse coming or not, but a few boxes of shotgun shells in the house are not going to be in anyone's way. I have 2 shotguns, 3 rifles and 6 swords. I also have the high-ground. I am thinking rocket propelled grenades might be fun, and a flame thrower would be an awesome father-son project for me and my boy Victor!

Future Imperfect....

The future is closer than you think. I just finished “reading” the Hunger Games trilogy and find myself deeply disturbed. Well, more disturbed than usual at any rate.  For those of you who have not either seen the movie or read the books, it is a tale, set in a future world. A place formerly known as America which is now known as Panem. Panum is broken into 12 districts, each one producing one primary export. Very little of the products made, mined, or harvested, stays in its home district, but is sent to the Capital where it is supposed to be distributed equitably by the government. The Capital of course keeps the lion’s share of the goods and only disburses enough to the districts for meager survival. The Capital has an annual tradition where each district sends one boy and one girl “tribute” to fight to the death against the tributes from all of the other districts in an arena which spans many square miles.  About here I will stop giving away the story an recommend the books to my readers. They are a good read, but not what I would call “feel good” material.

The thing that disturbs me is how easily I can foresee something similar happening. Not within our lifetimes, but eventually. There are things on television now that were unheard of and would have never been tolerated 20 years ago.  20 years ago there were things aired that would have been criminal 40 years ago. The human need to “push the envelope” and go farther into the unbelievable simply for entertainment purposes is staggering. I remember being told that Bugs Bunny and Tom & Jerry were too violent and were going to damage our minds. Today our children watch full contact Mixed Martial Arts because the wrestling we watched as kids has been exposed as fake. Saturday Morning cartoons are a thing of the past. Today, the blood, gore and language of video games rivals any rated R movie from the 80’s. My question is, what happens when all of today’s entertainment get’s old? Where will Hollywood go to satisfy our bloodlust when MMA and CGI Graphics and theatrical blood fail to satisfy. I can see the degradation of society’s moral fiber resulting in some form of Gladiatorial Combat to entertain the masses and if our government needs to distract the populace of this country in a grandiose fashion, I have no doubt that they would sponsor something of the like. That of course addresses only the violence aspect. The sexuality on TV has become equally devastating. Especially to our youth, many of whom seem to view dating as an avenue to sex instead of the opportunity for two people to become better acquainted with each other. My teenage son said three words which terrified me a few months back. “Hump and dump” I am not raising a womanizer and I am sure he was just being the clown that he is known to be, but I was sure to express my displeasure.

I am probably way off base, but the world seems to be careening in an out of control hand basket to hell. I just say a prayer that things get better. If praying is not your thing then keep a positive thought and try to lean towards the good side because I don’t know how else one would steer a hand basket. – Be Blessed.

Surviving the teen years...

I truly hope that you did not open today's blog in the hopes of gleaning any helpful hints with regards to raising teenagers. There is little likelihood of any such material appearing in these passages, but since I never really know how this blog ends up until it does, who knows, there may be a pearl or two.

I have 2 teens at home, one 17 year old girl, one 15 year old boy. Life for me is in a constant state of free fall it seems. As they grow up, I find that I am needed less for advice and guidance, and more for sustenance and transportation. "Feed me, clothe me, take me somewhere" these are the needs of today's teenager. Even "clothe me" is evolving to become  "take me shopping, because I will not wear what you buy for me".  I grew up in hand-me-downs from 2 older cousins. Not entirely of course but the mentality of the time was you wore what your parents bought you and did not complain. Today, a teen in school is practically excommunicated from society if his/her clothing does not bear the proper labels. Hollister, Aeropostale, Abercrombie, Echo, etc.  You are a second class citizen if you show up in Walmart's Faded Glory brands or Heaven forbid, Old Navy. I remember getting my first IZOD sweater, with the little gator on it. I bought it with money from my first job and was so proud of it. My image however was irredeemable in high school because of the fashion faux pas I had unwittingly made over the years, among other things.

I had of course committed every sin against coolness that a high schooler can make. I FOUNDED the computer club at Hampton Bays Jr-Sr High with Mrs. Gladys Meschutt. I was on Mike Terry's Audio Visual Squad. I was in 4 years of band and sang for awhile in chorus.  Cool or uncool, those experiences made me who I am today.  I still retain my savvy for computers and other electronics and music is still a driving force in my life, but I digress, this was supposed to be about raising teens.

I guess what I am driving at is that if we , Generation X'ers or whatever the hell they call us, were pigeon-holed into cliques when we were kids, then OUR children have it at least twice as bad today. I weep for tomorrow's generation unless we, the adults of today, remind our kids of what is most important in life. Clothes do not make the man. It is not what you have , but what you are that matters, and you project what you are most effectively in the way you treat others. Don't cast judgement on anyone until you have walked a mile in their shoes, because in the end..... you'll be a mile away and you'll have their shoes! Be Blessed!