It has been over 2 months since I last blogged and so much has happened that I scarcely know where to begin. I don't even know if this will be a therapeutic blog or a publishable blog. I suppose I will find out when it's done.
My blog is titled "I'm 45 and don't know what I want to be when I grow up." Well, I may not know what I want to be, but I know what I will be, A father, again! Cathy is expecting our baby, due on the 4th of June.
I don't mind admitting that I am scared to death. I will be 64 when this child graduates high school. No spring chicken that's for sure, but hopefully spry enough to get the job done.
I am worried about my three kids, who I love more than life itself. They are growing up, hell, Lera is a grown young woman who just started a job at Hollister and Co. in Shoppingtown Mall, She will be 18 on January 16th. An adult in the eyes of the government...but still my baby girl, always my baby girl. Victor will be 16 on February 25th. Gonna have to start his driving lessons. And Karina, my little monkey butt, she will be 13 on December 7th. I worry that they will see the baby as a threat to my attention. That I would forget them in the light of the newborn. Baby's need a lot of attention. There is no arguing the point, but my kids are my kids. I make no distinction between blood or adoption. My babies are my chosen treasures. All of them, born of my body or not. I make this promise to them and myself. I will do my best to not neglect anyone. At times, I will fail. I pray that during those times, you can forgive me. I want this new family dynamic, the one with Me, Cathy and 5 kids (yikes) to come together into a loving family unit.
A few weeks ago, I had to make a decision to put our springer spaniel Andy down. He attacked a child necessitating 47 stitches to repair her face. There was really no other decision to make. I could never let him hurt anyone again, as much as I loved him. I did love the dog, but there is no way for an animal to earn back trust. Once a dog has bitten, they will bite again. It is almost assured.With a baby on the way, I could not risk keeping him. The kids took it very, very hard. and even missed several days of school, they still miss him terribly, especially Victor. I blame myself because he was my responsibility to train. I told the kids that he was theirs but the true responsibility for him was never anyone's but mine.
Divorce Mediation has begun. So far Krissy and I have met twice and things are going smoothly. Neither of us wants to fight and we are both trying to be generous with each other when it comes to property, visitation etc. We can still talk and still find ourselves on the same page with regard to the kids which is super helpful. We should only have 2 more meetings to go with the mediator before the actual papers get signed for the judge.
About Krissy, I have mentioned before to many but will put it out to my readers here. I have never asked you to choose. If you were only her friend for my sake, that is one thing, but if you considered her a personal friend before all this, and stopped talking to her because of what happened, then I encourage you to look her up. I may never fully understand or fully accept what happened, but that is between her and I. What happened, happened. We both have moved on in all but the final way, the paperwork. I hope that the new normal is a happy thing for all concerned.
There are buyers interested in the house. The real estate agent tells me that we will have at least 4 months to get ready to be out of here while the bank closes the short sale. I hope it's enough time for my credit repair people to boost my score enough to get a mortgage. Prayers and positive thoughts gladly accepted.
With that, I think I will close, and what the hell, I will publish it. The worst thing that can happen is my friends will think I am nuts....oh wait, if they ARE my friends, they know this already.....
Blessed be...
