Dear God,
I have tried to walk with you since I was a small child. I
first learned about you in Sunday school, a place our parents brought my
brothers and I on Sunday mornings for a two-fold reason. Primarily because they
were both raised Methodist and believed that our spiritual education was
important, but the secondary reason, I am reasonably sure, was so that they
could have a few hours to themselves on Sunday mornings, free from 3 young
boys. Our pastor’s were good men, by and large, but none seemed to stay very
long. I remember Reverend Daniel, who left after his son Billy drowned m then
came Reverend Goodwin who was there when I was confirmed, but was
unceremoniously asked to leave when unfounded allegations of child abuse
against his own son were raised. Then Dr. Arnold Miller, Floyd, “Skip” George,
then one other and now a Reverend George Mangan is in charge there. That’s 6
pastors in a 30 year period. Not exactly the picture of stability. What did
Methodism teach me about you? The Good; You are real. You Exist. You sent your
son to atone for our sins. You live in Heaven and look over us but you’re God
and we’re not so don’t ask too many questions. The Bad; religious, self righteous
people suck. There are people who believe that they can act any way they want
to during the week and come to church on Sunday to get their absolution, or sin
eraser if you will, and depart the
building clean and ready for another week of whatever. But still I believed in
you.
I got married in that Methodist Church on September 18th
1993, I would say that my 19th anniversary is less than 2 weeks away
if my estranged spouse had not left over a year ago without warning. She ripped
the heart from me and took my desire for any future at all away with her when
she left. I had 3 reasons to live, their names are Valeria (Lera), Victor, and
Karina. They are the reasons that I still breathe. I love my family and
friends, but please understand the depths of my despair when I tell you
that without my children, the other
people in my life would not have been enough to keep me here at that time. But still, as angry as I was with you, I
believed in you.
I continued my ministry as a worship leader with the Eastside
Vineyard Church, more from a sense of duty , then from a need or desire to
worship you. My song choices often reflected my deep pain and need for you in
my life. My theme became “Praise you in the storm” by Casting Crowns. It still
is. I thought if I continued to get
through life, a day at a time and try to keep walking with you, that your
direction would come and your blessings would flow to reward one who continuously
brought people to your altar. I recently made a choice that was incompatible with
continued leadership at ESV and I resigned my post in favor of doing something
to make myself happy. That decision was to bring My girlfriend Cathy and her
son Matthew into my home to live with us. I was told that it was “not right”
with God(You) or the State that I, a still married man, should bring another
woman into my home before I was divorced and even before we get married.
Scripture was quoted which I will not repeat to you God because well, you know
all about it. Of course, Bigamy and Concubines have been accepted practices of
your people for thousands of years per that same book of scripture so forgive
me if I fail to see my great crime. Even
after being forced to sacrifice a ministry I loved, I still believed in you.
The Music I used to love playing is now a painful reminder
of the hypocrisy of those I placed my trust in. So the respite I found in
worship is now stripped from me as well. And still, even now, I believe in you.
BUT, You need to understand something now. I have reached
the end. I am going to keep the lines of communication open and will listen for
your guidance wherever I can, but, I will order my steps now the way that I see
fit. I will forge my own paths based on what I believe is right and best for me
and my family. You can Bless me or Curse me as you see fit, You are GOD after
all and can do as you like. You did both to Job after all , a blameless man who
did no wrong . I still believe in you and as per John 3:16, that’s enough for
eternal life. If you want the son back who burned for you, who cried out in
song and prayer, who brought people to their knees in worship for you, then you
will have to show me that you Love me. Seeing it in a book is not enough.
Scripture says “Do not put the Lord thy God to the test” Well, better men than
me have done just that, and you answered. I only ask for the same
I believe in God the Father Almighty,
Maker of heaven and earth and in Jesus Christ his only Son our Lord; who was
conceived by the Holy Ghost, born of the Virgin Mary, suffered under Pontius
Pilate, was crucified, dead, and buried; he descended into hell; the third day he rose again
from the dead; he ascended into heaven, and sitteth on the right hand of God
the Father Almighty; from thence he shall come to judge the quick and the dead.
Be blessed my friends,
Gary
